So if you randomly stumbled across my website then.. I set out this blog exactly a year and half ago , I really wanted to share my story and help other people with mental health issues.
I'd like to say this is a website about mental health, but its isn't all about mental health. Its about me and my life and trying to find away of documenting all the things that have happened to me over the years, in relation to my postpartum experiences, my experiences of education, psychosis, my children and husband, I'll probably even touch on being vegan and my politics but generally i'm just trying to explore who I am, when I go through these episodes of mental illness such as manic behaviour, when I feel like my heads going to explode at any minute as its so full of ideas and is going so fast I forget to eat or drink I cant function . With the way I am, sometimes ideas blur into other ideas and I lose my original trail of though. I'm not going to refer to it as mental illness as I have always experienced the world slightly different from others. I seem to have always been more sensitive, I overthink, my brain seems to go off in many tangents, I've always been nervous, acted different ways in front of different people. I am interested in the why and looking at the differences in the behaviours and disorders I have experienced. Also I know when things arn't quite right. I recognise when I'm going extremely off the spectrum, I mostly try and fight it. But sometimes I embrace the late night writing, thinking a million miles an hours, thinking into every corner of my future.
some days are completely different from others, is it all just an illness. I think not. I think yes I have had various diagnosises over the years to simply help fix me or help me understand my understanding of the world. Sometimes I think I'm dying. sometimes i think I can feel a tumour in my head pulsating and making me struggle to function. sometimes I cant find my keys and Im scared i dont no whats happening to my brain. its like i feel electric. kind of painful . very strange. like my brain is coming out of my head.
Welcome to my blog, this is simply a collection of entries I have made when I have struggled most and needed to record my feelings and experiences of the world around me at that particular time. Although each entry will vastly change from one entry to the next. Overall, you can see that I have struggled and yet I am slowing learning about the world around me and my place in that as well as looking at various questions about mental health and what it all means.
I would of just liked a website, where i can rant about all things, and have a sort of diary. As most people with mental health will tell you I'm not just my 'mental state' i'm me a very random and chatty person, made up of my lifestyle, my choices, my likes and dislikes, my loves and passions.
(an anti fraking website/vegan/spiritual or travel website would also have done me) joking* but i chose mental health. Not just because I've been in three pyschiatric wards, taken tablets for mental health for 11 years. But I want to meet people like me and help other people by raising awareness.
I thought with having a website i could just create it and everyone would just find it. how wrong i was. I still think a year and half later only some of my close friends have read it. So my aim is to get internet savy so people would like to read about someone else's experience with mental health can actually find it.
I also want to help people who don't understand mental health, think that we are making it up, to open there eyes and really get to the nitty gritty of mental health issues. Because really theres a scale, and many many different types of mental health. Yes there are people who use the word mentally ill to blame for there poor choices. But i'm here for the ones that aren't pretending and i don't think many people do pretend, I mean id rather pretend i'm a good singer or am confident, so pretending i have mental health issues is really low down on the list. I spend a seriously lot of time covering it up... yes those who know me probably think your not covering it up very well.. but yes its an effort to have a conversation in person, get up in the morning, eat sleep and well function.
I've had a life long experience of mental health. I didn't realise but maybe even as i child i struggled. I was so anxious, i dreaded first school, and didn't speak to anyone really as i was so shy. I also remember attempting to self harm at about 8 or 9 as i was so upset and couldn't control my emotions.
I'm really passionate about mental health, as i've suffered so badly with various issues over the years and only a few people knew about my illness until recently. Now i'm pretty sure all my friends know, and even people i've met over the years and kept in touch with.
I nearly didn't graduate from university as I was at all time low in my second and third year of uni, and spent along time really, not wanting to be here, I often ended up speaking to a crisis team. My silly then GP never even referred me to a psychiatrist , he just upped my citalopram to a now illegal 60/80 mg dose. I was severely depressed and my anti-depressants wasn't helping. I struggled for years, but people wouldn't of known. I wore a ton of makeup.. camouflaged the scars on my face I'm really lucky to still be here.
on a side note, the important disclaimer.* I'm not a trained doctor, psychologist or psychiatrist I've just got a lot of experience with my own personal mental health and that of family and friends so I don't claim to cure or improve your mental state/ illness . If you want to email me I can probably point you in the right directions of some good websites books, helplines. But i'd try and think. if its that bad, call an ambulance or go straight to a and e mental illness is just a serious as a pyschical one.
I hope you enjoy my blog and that maybe you'll share your story one day even in private or with friends. I truly believe that you can't start to help others, or start thinking about it until you are on the road to recovery.