who and why?
I am 'kate' I started this blog to record my spiritual , philosophical and emotional journey through my past, present and future. I'm no-one special, I don't have an amazing job, I'm a mum like any other mother, I'm a a wife and i'm a women and I often struggle to get to grips with my place in the world. I guess so much is going on that I struggle to take a breath, I struggle to focus, and i struggle to pursue my dreams...
I'd love to write professionally, (get paid a small amount just to get me by) I'd love to leave the UK or even the part I live in the UK to somewhere surrounded by nature and community... I'd love to do something with my spare time I love, assist with films, write stories, train to be something, not like a doctor or a scientists, perhaps a librarian or a photographer. Overall, my dream isn't to be happy, but its to not feel so lost, and like a spare part. I often feel like my daydreams will never actually become something material. I want to feel content, have a few friends I like, I want to have a clear and minimalist home where I have a few small possessions that matter like art and photos, and everything else can come and go. I want to be in an area more than anything with clean air. This is something I've struggled with since buying a house in this wretched place.
THIS IS WHERE I AM CURRENTLY
I'm 31 and i decided three years ago I would start to blog, I live in the past from day to day. I often will be doing something like cooking tea and then I will get a memory (not a happy one) and suddenly I will be completely engaged in that memory as if its current. I guess this is why i don't often fully focus on tasks, and I struggle to accomplish things. People say, hey well you've got a degree, you've got kids, you've got a mortgage. My day to day is so hectic I feel like just cooking can be overwhelming, I also didn't do the degree I wanted at the time, Ive never had a job I felt secure in or good at. By the time I was 24 I had had 22 jobs.... it might not seem possible but i'm including part time work and agency jobs where they sent me to various places. I would like to go on more of a spiritual journey, not just when my mental health makes me go a bit dolaly but I'd like to calm and heal, I'd like to read more, I'd like to finish a book. Go to a buddhist temple, meditate more without thinking that I'm half asleep trust that i'm actually meditating.
When I first started three years ago it was to hard to get out on 'paper' what was going on. A few professionals told me to keep a diary, but my life was chaotic a physical diary would of gotten lost or misplaced. If you saw my garage you would see random emphanies written on random pieces of paper in large piles of paperwork not even labelled sort through. Even though I find online slightly overwhelming with all the advertisements and pretty people going places, I thought I would start here in the dark corners of the internet. Away from instagram and Facebook.
When I first wrote I often felt like some of my darker places defined me, when I wrote I didn't want the odd mental health ward to hold me back, infact I sort of collected these experiences like trophies. For years I struggled with mental health from my teenage years and throughout my twenties, it wasn't till I had had children and I suffered with extreme post natal anxiety I ended up on these 'mother and baby units' aka mental health wards for mothers who have recently had children. Granted each time I was voluntary, often it didn't seem like a choice. This seemed the focus of my initial blog, but as I have gotten older. I realise that this is only small part of my story and what I would like tot write about.
I hope that finding my mind can be a place where I can write about how I found my way, but the journey is still ongoing and I guess we won't know until I'm more settled and I guess till my journey is over. My dad always wanted to be remembered, I strongly feel like this was his aim. He shared so many pop culture references with me and music and a small part of his soul. I guess with my children, it would more be to guide them when I'm no longer able to in person. Life has been hard, I've felt often that things that are a breeze for some, seem to be a lot harder for me. I think genetics are at play and also the way in which our past pieces us together like fragmented pieces of a smashed mirror. I defiantly think our pasts can distort who we are and affect our current situation.
So currently this blog is annomyous, I have children and a family and I'd rather keep my name and location private.
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