• gca037

Destructive, non-constructive behaviour

Non blogging excuses. 

I feel like i have no time, i really don't understand how people have such successful blog and keep healthy, living with illness?

Keeping busy and out the house keeps me sane so when im finally back in the house at the end of a long day with a chance to blog, im just so tired.In all honesty no matter how much i have to say im just so tired all the time.

I'm still sussing out what it is i want to say. I know id like to tell my story, but also id like to discuss lots of things not just mental illness as its part of me but also theres so much more to my story then just an illness.

I get up at 6 every morning with a two year old that doesnt nap. Its constant until about 5.30 when my other half comes home and our evening still revolves around our little girl feeding her bathing her and stor time when is there chance to do anything other.

These last few weeks ive been really struggling with my skin picking emotions temper and of course ive started reducing my medication which hasnt been going well!

Another thing that puts me off writing. Is if its public its less about honesty and more about making everything sound good or interesting to the reader when it is not good its crap! I suppose im scared of failing, writing something nobody will read. In a world where everyone is selling there stories, blogs, recovery journeys. I feel that is hard to write a blog that is aim is to help people when im feeling low. Does anyone really want to here the lows or do people prefer to read about the positive, successful,  stories. 

Ive been losing my temper recently, braking things,  smashing things, shouting. I realise that this is something  that alot of people with mental illness and personality disorders do, but its never spoken of. 

I recently threw my Tiffany lamp at the floor. I spoke to my psychiatrist today. He was very insightful. I wish i could record our sessions as i leave feeling so peaceful and happy. Despite the things we have discussed.

He basically said, in a much more intellectual and sophisticated way, that the main things that cause this destructive behaviour are not necessarily my mental illness  (my biology ) but is a learnt behaviour a way that my mind deals with thoughts and feelings. 

He said it has alot to do with my past and the things that have happened to me. Even a small thing, something so insignificant to someone else may end up creating a catastrophic reaction. One that people may not understand. 

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