10th June 2017
Today i feel as if im completely out of it ive had to take that many hayfever tablets and normal medication plus lack of sleep and a heightened emotions from the build up of download. It all sort of came to a head, and now I'm emotional wreck. (Constant crying/ feeling low/ unable to do anything see anyone). Im not asking for sympathy or even understanding. I just need to express myself. This is about my insecurities. Why i feel the need to prove myself. Also why i constantly believe people don't think i'm very clever. I don't admit to being great at anything in particular. But i want people to see that i do have some valid points and life experience.
This all started when someone made me feel stupid like i dont listen like i dont no whats going on. Just because i don't always remember things and am disorganised doesn't mean i dont have a clue.
Everything i do is for a reason and usually if people listen i have my own little ways and routines and they might not be normal for some but they get me through. Im not methodical, i dont always think, i do, do silly things. I really can't help it i have alot to contend with and ive been through such alot of bad stuff.
I constantly feel like ive got a million things on my mind. Not just social stuff but organising our lives, raising our little girl. Yet people talk down to me make me feel stupid. Invaid my privacy. I remember certain things like what people say. Then i forget those niggley things that i should remember. I'm dysfunctional so ill start doing one thing then move onto the next without finishing. I flit. I talk so much some people dont listen and say i fret. Some people dont understand how much goes into being a stay at home mum with anxiety. Who constantly forces herself to do social things, go out, act happy. I feel like i constantly have to prove myself. That im doing lots, which if you no me well you'll know im constantly out the house meeting people seeing family or friends at the weekend. I think i do pretty well considering i'm very anxious, dislexic, disorganised with extremely low self asteem basically im a wreck. (On paper and right now)
Sometimes i get so low i cant face seeing anyone and im so low that my little one says are you sad mummy whats a matter mummy for a two year old shes quite astute. I suppose i should try be this happy mum that is brave and strong.
When i cry this much, all red and puffy and blotchy i just think im useless to anyone. Also ashamed of how i look. How could anyone love me when i look like this just soo soo upset! I only think my other half (i hope) and my daughter You can see it with my constant crying im fragile and even of someone says just a little something too me or raises there voice to me then it brings up a whole load of my insecurities straight away i read into what theyve said and i then think i understand how they see me. A stupid girl and ditsy mum.
I often wonder how i remember everything on day to day basis. I wonder how i manage to keep food in the cupboards and keep on top of the house. Which is such a big improvement from where i was. I never ate, never had milk or bread it and my flat was a total tip. Life is a mess. When your heads a mess people dont get it. Do they rarely link the two. It seems obvious to me that if your not well how can you function normally. People assume your lazy or that you can just do it.
Even though i got all 10 of my gsce's 4 alevels and one degree. That doesnt mean im intelligent. I still often feel really stupid. Its like education doesnt even touch the actual tools you need in life. I often say too much or silly things. I never say what i want at the time. Especially when someone is confrontational (hense this post) i dont no what i want to say till after. Don't even get me on my spellings.
I've been told many times not everyone should go to uni.
A philosophy degree whats that?
What are you going to do with that?
You should know the answer, you've been to uni? (in a general knowledge quiz)
Going to uni means nothing these days?
When i was young getting into uni was harder and a degree actually meant something.
Your only clever if you do classic subjects like maths and english.
These are a few classic phrases.
What do i say to this?
What so ive wasted 18 years in education? When you go through education, it all seems so important. Yet it doesnt actually mean anything now. If you look back and think you did well in your alevels and gsces it means nothing nowadays. Unlike others who finished after 16 i stayed on till i was 21 and wheres that got me? I guess it my fault and i chose a 'useless degree' (well i didnt have much choice at the time). The point being, just getting that far and commiting yourself to education should mean something to someone? Theres different types of intelligence! Where are all the companies who want to hire me because i think outside the box? The uni experience isn't just for those who want to party. It opens you up to new experiences and new ideas if you let it. I was so nieve when i was 18, in many ways i still am in the sense that im nieve as i am hopeful and surprisingly positive about things i.e. making a difference.
Random rant to be continued another time. ....