Im tired but i cant sleep. (The blog before i was admitted)
So dont expect this blog to be perfectly written or anything. I've discovered so much about myself lately. Especially the fact that i just can't sleep at the moment. So by the way im writting this blog at 0.08am as i cant sleep im knackered. Id rather get it out of my system then go to sleep or is it the other way round. Who knows. Because i cant sleep as my mind races. If you understand mental health you will wonder how the hell people blog or videogg or vlogg or whatever. I dont get it.
My posts will be (are) random. Unedited. Spure of the moment. Not spell checked. Straight from my rarely filtered brain. That takes alot of reorganising now and again.
I know this insomnia will pass as i can hold on to the fact that i have slept before. Either that or ill just stop working completely. As a neurologist recently told me a day ago in a and e. The mind is like a computer. Well mine seems to have lots of viruses (its a mess) and i cant be bothered to download one of those overrated virus killer programmes.
I'm having a manic episode for about two weeks. Its been really hard being happy if you get my drift. Insomina. Anxiety. Bpd. Depression. Emotionally unbalanced whatever my last diagnosis was. (I truely believe you decide what you most relate to with mental health.) For me that will have to wait till a seperate diary entry.
As a result i'm still trying to keep up with whats normal. I should of watched keeping up apperances with my nanna all those years ago.(to help me pretend im not odd) Hiding my manic behaviour and chaos is really hard especially when your lonely and trying to meet new people.
Off topic.... rant about dyslexia and writting a blog.
(Many typos to come, dyslexia and all that jazz) if you don't believe my test results and don't believe in dyslexia. Well maybe you should try doing your alevels and a degree trying to explain why you still can't spell but still get semi acceptable results. (I know someone has the answer) someone that also has the answer ocasionally drives me mad puts it down to the fact that i passed exams because i did easy alevels and an easy degree and im too lazy to learn to spell. Im sure there probably correct. If you think like this you will most definitely will hate my blog (Side rant over).
I mean really why do i hide it. Its not really fair that my emotions are all over the place and no matter what tablets i try. What therapy. Two stints over the years on what might i add horrible mental health units. (Dare i say psych units) its such a horrid word.
Maybe i should say the opposite of a spa with people that treat you like youve imagined ants in your room. No really there this is the nhs we are talking about. It was almost offensive because i wasnt suffering with pychosis (imaging things) i was just bloody depressed. days they don't even have an effect anymore. So what am i suppose to do. Ive tried so hard been to lots of doctors, taken lots of tablets till ive literally been a drone. And advice. What annoys me is that everyones an expert everyone can help you. Have you tried this have you tried that. Believe me when I say. I've tried everything you can't fix me.
Lost of people are very judgmental or like to talk about you and say well she should do this. Or try this. Or i know better. Well seriously why try soo soo hard to be normal when theres probably more people like me out there then ever before. So maybe on a positive note... putting myself out there will help other suffering people get help.
I dont expect you to let your guard down with everyone becaue unlike everyone else i never had a guard. Noone to protect me. So i dont always know what to say or what to do. im really open about mental health and speaking about it at the same time as hiding my symptoms. Bizarre.
actually im not happy but i am. Im so excitable, full of new ideas, full of emotion, full of drama, full of chaos. I say embarrassing things all the time. I do not understand why my minds not working properly. It hurts alot. I feels like a headache but i can feel it in my chest when I breathe. My head is tingly and my skin tingles. I ache. I just dont feel myself but i feel more than myself then ever . I feel like im dying but discovering myself at the same time. Notice myself myself is written alot here. As when you have a long term illness and struggling with mental health you become quite self obsessed quite self orientated. going through a chaotic behaviour has taken its toll on my physical health. I cant carry a normal conversation. I cant focus. I cant eat. Ive lost a stone in the space of a month. My face is gaunt. I constantly have stomach ache. I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore. Im tired all the time but cant sleep.
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