Between ny and xmas
This has been possibly one of the hardest years of my life. There are days where I feel like i cant take any more. There are moments where I'm happy. There are moments where I forget. Is it who i am or is it an illness or is it situational. Ive literally cried a lake this year. I'm looking older and more tired ... i need a plastic surgeon or to cut off the dead vines once and for all. I'm sick of those people who put me down. That exclude me from my own family get togethers. Its so bizarre having family meals and family parties then telling me after.. its not like I'm an only child... (sarcasm). Im sick of family members being so argumentative and critical and so fucking full of shit. As if they know everything all the time. Or on the other scale not giving a damn.
Ive officially not slept a full nights sleep in 9 months. Obviously its not just the fact i cant always sleep. Sometimes putting a baby to bed then he wakes up five times in the night for a feed. There have been nights where I have collapsed from sleep exhaustion i remember hitting my head on the floor. There have been times where I have felt like giving up breast feeding. There have been moments where I've wanted to jump out the window. There have been moments ive felt like every one hates me. Moments where I've felt like ive disappointed everyone. But then sometimes I feel excited about the future angry about the past. Angry at everyone well nearly everyone. Maybe it's the fact I spent most of my life doing what people told me. Or caring what people think. Or being controlled. But now... i sense any hint of being told what to do i want to explode. People have said to me you've got to stop breast feeding for example. Or your ill because of this that your doing wrong. You must start doing this..... and when I literally feel like i never get chance to do what I want. Aka shower, sleep, watch telly or go for walks. Most people that I actually see regularly or speak to alot... have an answer for everything. I wish people could listen with out judgment.. or not expect so much... or even make you feel valued. I feel so low lately im avoiding everyone. . Literally all the people I want to talk too or see. . I feel like im in a closet and i can't open the damn door.. i dont message back. Sometime i let my phone die and don't charge it for days. I cancel all the time. To be fair ive literally been feeling none stop sicky since my tummy bug about three weeks ago and seen about four consultants for 6 years of tummy aches. But even if I didnt feel pain id still want to lay in bed and bury my head under the covers. I'm just tired. I spoke to my mental health nurse and she wanted to put me on sertraline which is bizarre as in the pyshiatric ward they said that was the reason for my episode... having a drug that was not working and making me too hyper i couldnt sleep or eat in weeks resulting in me..... i feel like i live no where near the people I want to see... i feel like my friends have moved on without me. I still hate where I live.. i put so much effort into a new friendship which went really Tits up. Literally maybe there's something wrong with me... i start a new friendship then they just suddenly stop speaking to me... to be fair. .. i didnt think it was a very helpful friendship in someways.. i think our core beliefs were completely misaligned. Rant over.