• gca037

The new me. Autumn

Updated: Dec 26, 2020

I've tried to or have reinvented myself time and time again. 12 years ago, I was the ditsy blonde that liked to impress everyone, relied on other people for confidence, had alot going on beneath the surface. Until one day I just tried too hard, I got myself in debt, partying, fake take fake friend's the lot. Scared to change , scared to get tattoos, scared to speak up when in very bad situations with the opposite sex. 

12 years on, no make no fake tan, vegan, no alcohol, and certainly not perfect. My mental health ups and downs have always been with me. But there are times now where I can see months where it has been worse. Like a black mist over the years. Some dark times some dark relationship. Other times I think people see through it all. They see the smile, the perky, positive me, and they take a small swipe at my lifestyle choices or perhaps tell me what I already no so well. Im not doing so well, but I can't be forced out of it. 

I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel or at least I'm starting to open the curtains again. I got so sick of people deciding what was good and bad for me. Or wanting an explanation, but then having the answers. I'm not keen on people asking lots of questions. That I thought fuck it. I'll just keep trying to do what I want, despite not knowing if it will turn out okay. It's kind of like ice-skating in the dark. I've made some bold lifestyle choices, but to others they might seem like choices. But I'm doing what I want to for once and yes it's scary. 

I've always found peopeto be quite shallow and judge my exterior. Or even worse, make comments based on my demineir. I'm yes quiet voiced and yes can be over pleasing. But this doesn't mean I'm mild or meak, that's just one side of me. I've found that as an adult I feel like I'm back in school again and thats a pretty scary place. I feel surrounded by judgement, people trying to tell me what to do or who to hang out with. I suppose they'd think it's guidance or they know better. They underestimate my intelligence. I can't justify my life or intelligence or life descions to everyone else, I could say I no what to do when I'm sad or I could say I've got a damn degree in philosophy the study of knowledge and meaning but they'd probably still act like I know nothing. These are the people I need to learn to handle. I come away from conversations wanting to slap myself for not say hang on a sec what the heck has it got to do with you. Or a polite way of say excuse me... If there is one when people say in a very bold way, I'm not judging but should you be doing that. 

Yet there's my nature and my nurture, I was the good girl, both parents teachers, no drugs, no tattoos, but I was never good enough, my grades weren't good enough, my skin to pale, too skinny, and well I never finished my plate. So I was forced to sit up to two hours to finish huge huge portions, I wasn't allowed to quit uni when I hated it. I wasn't allowed to live with my parents when I finished a degree I didn't enjoy. I did everything I was told. Eventually that got me here. But I had to scrap my way up I finished uni getting crap jobs in restaurants something I was familiar with but not great at. I lived in mouldy flats with slugs coming under a fake wall that was actually a door.

 I was told to use my savings to pay for some of my uni, whilst my family helped with the rest. Yet at every stage, I'd get a lecture on how I should be managing on less that or there about's thirty pounds a week to live on and how this uni experience was a huge sacfice for them, and when I didn't want in, I wasn't allowed out. Although now my dad seems to not understand that if i dropped out of uni it would of been the start of something new for me my own choice. Will he ever be sorry for taking my choices away from me. Without but or 'it didn't come across would do anything else if you dropped out of uni' he said. Most likely because when i wanted to drop out i was going to drop out so he blackmailed me into staying. He did not give me a choice when i had a choice. No he says oh i didnt think you would do anything else. I say to him you dont no me at all. If i had said it which i most likely would have if i wasn't terrified. Of course i would do something else. Even if i hadnt should i be blackmailed into staying.

Control freak.

With no concious

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