• gca037

To me, to my husband, to my children and whoever else wants to know

Life has been tough on me and you. It might be tough now it might not. But if we don't change it will be tough for everyone. Our legacy on the earth is small but actually when you think of the people here now the 90 year olds the babies the 10 year olds the thirty something's we all have one thing in common the most important thing is survival of the earth and the animals, and the children and families, health, education, freedom, peace you name it it's something we all need and all life needs a naturaI world. 

This is my biggest concern, we have forgotten the natural world. It scares me so much. I fear for my children and for my sanity. We need it not just for resources, we need clean air to breathe,we need a Animals, waters all of nature should be as in tact as possible. But this seems to be the last thing we speak about. 

Are we hiding behind our judgements on others, they buy more than me, they do more damage? Or are we not choosing to admit the scary scary thing, we are the people now aware of crisis and aware of our affect on the world and we do nothing we don't change. We hide behind social media we had behind our websites our glamour ( not me on this one) our holidays our shallow friends, we are our own god's, we are lacking in community spirit and charity instead we leave the responsibility to other people. Inside we all must be hiding guilt. I feel it everyday. I fear I'm not doing enough saying enough I'm not enough. I need your help. .

my philosophy is that we all need to help improve, the environment, society, I justice, poverty, children, war, animal ok justice.so I'll start with step one they are all connected. Make a change with one and you'll see a link. If you by second hand, your helping stop cutting down travel, new materials, but also stop paying for cheap labour in other countries you assume there factory is nice. .... So please don't tell me your worse off then them of that you need a fifth pair of shoes when they have one. Or don't tell me if I don't buy from Primark they will end up as prositiues because one doesnt automatically connect with the other. Invest your money in good companies look at the most ethical possible options and the chances are they will use recycled materials. 

If your reading this you have choice, a certain amount of freedom, power, and the luxury of the western world. It's not I can't stop eating meat or reduce meat it's I won't, I won't try and I'm not confident enough or not interested. Because if you looked into the 'meat industry' there's nothing natural about it. Hunting... Along time ago perhapss but we have enslaved every corner of the earth, are pink pigs from England? Where's the Amazon gone? Who actually eats all the crops, soya beans, making a cow have ten babies in its short 6/7 year life so we can have milk we don't need for health. The world is just odd. When you research the milk industry, it's so wrong shackled cows are some companies like caburys or the milk in your soup but those happy domestic cows in the fields? Wait till they give birth and get there babies took of them,watch them after there 6 calves. It's horrid to see baby cows without a mum when they've spent nine months in there tummy. Diary is the worst thing I have ever seen it discover it don't be afraid to look into it. It's the bravest thing you can do.  

a company that treats animals like machines breeds them, slaughters them, like there nothing.... Will be a shallow empty one. You think McDonald's care about the environment, they would do they same to you if it was legal and it made them money. you think Johnson and Johnson do... Plastic bottles animal testing. You think formula milk is actually healthy for babies??? Palm oil, and God knows what else. 

 i'd like to get a few things off my chest. 

I'd to say that I can tell my friends everything when in with them, but I can't. Please try not to eat pigs they are super duper Intelligent more intelligent than dogs, they cry real tears! They have ombilical cords, hearts, mum's stop justifying putting them on your plate. They feel too. Infact it makes me feel ill seeing things as I do now. Wake up to what's really on your plate. 

My friends they probably don't tell me what there thinking either. Good or bad thoughts we keep to our self. But all these little things we keep Hiden influence our over all pictures of each other. Honesty, without fear is the only way forward with each other. Please don't use your phone so much round your kids or drink cows milk when you don't don't need to put another mother through that. Pregnancy , and birth equals milk for you. Is it worth it.... Making a life to take a life for milk. 

 I no they all have a take it or leave it attitude. They will take what they hear and take it or leave it or take it and leave you. 

The problem I have is that unlike every one else I know. Is I've been without anyone before. It scares me now. But I need to live authentically. 

Life has been tough on me. I want to move forward I really do but my past lerks around like a freaky shadow at night

I want to give my life a chance I want to be a good mum but I'm so distracted by all the awful awful things around me. . I want to have faith that eventually the people around me will start making changes I need them to and care about their own lives and caring about the planet and about me and my whole family and about what's real. I'm just impatient and I don't know how else to wake everyone else up. 

 Sometimes I'm scared to be on the earth some times I don't want to be hear because I'm scared I'm not good enough. But I love my children and I love the trees and I love my husband. had no where to live, I couldn't even stay at my mum's my dad told me to go on the dol as a teacher apparently he won't see me homeless but has paid into the system so I can live in 22.50 a week, I was 21 and at emergency housing. I finished a degree I eventually enjoyed but I didn't feel like I had any choice and I was left with someone else's descions. I had noone no real friends no real family no brothers or sisters, no cousins I dare ask for help. My parents knew I had no where to live and I was low and they turned me away. So as I move forward I life I realise everything we do and everyone we know can leave at any point, no one person has to or will stay in our lifes forever. It's a sad fact. With no real need for family, community or friends care homes, supermarkets, we don't grow veg we don't trade, we are alone. Of you don't look of any worth... or appealing... People don't want to know. We don't rely on anyone for community. We make vast and shallow choices everyday. We work hard for other people, that arnt our family or loved ones we work for the man and the man separates us and keeps us in line with our wage or reasonable and comfortable life. We judge, we fear, we criticize, we are scared we have our own comforts our own desires our own lines. We are all so vast so many and so so separate from each other. Influence is t based on science or religion or intelligence or even fashion... It's based on lots and lots of people around the whole over populated world, not knowing what the hell we are doing, no trust, no love only fear in our hearts and a lack of community. We go on the popular choice. The safe one. Not the best, who knows what to do, who's knowledge, who's word. 

 I want to try and for once as someone put it recently.... Find my tribe. I think it starts within alot of the time, alot of alone time, alot of small changes... I thought maybe using eco nappies and going to vegan meet ups would help. But without a car and without the location I'm just in the middle of nowhere literally I'm in friendships no man land. I'm terrible at rembering to message people, I make random connections at every turn. 

I've tried making vegan food for non vegan friends and they've annoyingly asked if it's edible icescream is it a safe cake? I've been told I go out on a limb to help other people but I actually probably am selfish like the rest I do it for bad reasons. Usually I want people to like me. I'm so sick of being a people pleaser. I want to say what I want and think what i want. And for me to have as much control over my life as humanly possible. I feel like the only fiur people who have ever truely been forever and completely invested in me is my husband, my best friend that died, and my two children. I feel like everyone else apart from a few close friends that I still see Dip in and out of my life... Not to blame them or me but it's just life.... Very geographically challenging and very time consuming as well as constantly relying on technology which I hate! To keep is in touch. 

Because eventually something has got to give. I struggle to be around people from my past who arnt similar to me because they see I've changed so much and they remain the same. Self absorbed, no real purpose, materialistic, and one goal self improvement making themselves look good keeping their life's easy.

It doesn't take a genius to realise with all our small actions we cause great suffering. From the clothes we buy, to the cars we use, the poor food choices, our very life's on this planet are at another animals or try or persons expense. Whether it be the non fairtrade sugar we by made on slave labour, the clothes we buy made by poor people in poor working conditions, the medical procedures we have that have been tested on people and animals so that we can have things done safely. There have been sacfrices for modern day life and these continue to be made with every time we turn on the heating, drive our cars, eat meat, build new houses, go on holiday, women's equal rights. That's what upsets me deeply the most about the society we live in, it's harsh, uncaring, selfish, scared, materialist, complex, unccesserially excessive, and you might think this gives you purpose but it doesn't. Real purpose is cold scary hard sacrifice.

 I was like this I had a fancy wedding I had fake eyelashes I did and said what people wanted and I choose the hard path now it's just talking the talk not just walking the walk. I wore warpaint, I had the mask of makeup on and I don't feel brave but I certainly don't feel less then anyone else and if someone can be as shallow to judge me based on my looks well more fool them. 

I went from being surrounded by people imposing themselves me and trying to alter my ways and continuely trying to sway me. Instead they've just pushed themselves further from me. 

Someone great and notable once said we define ourselves based on the people and the relationships around us. I'm starting to think that if your not strong enough or your changing you need to find the right environment to be free to change. 

Which unfortunately has ment that I can't become the butterfly I want to be. Until I am surrounded by the right people. People who don't offend my views with every breath they utter, they annoy me and I don't say anything. Then I annoy them by just making my choices and they rain down on my with with there, holy than now, small digs, quick judgements trying to catch me out whenever there is an opportunity. Maybe I just don't like anyone, I joke. I guess there's friends that judge but stay quiet, or the friends that judge that say something, in every scenerio we make a quick judgement and don't look into the reasons or rhymes for there behaviour. Are they jelous, heck no, are they comparing when they shouldn't, most likely, people like to look at each other and say I'm doing a and b, why the hell are they doing z. When really they such research z and get to no the facts behind z and then decided if a and b and z can co-exist. Or maybe they should just leave z well well alone if they can't be bother to try and understand z. Perhaps z is far far beyond there current or future comprehensions. 

 I remember once my friend opposed to home ed said over the years.

All religious people are stupid, 

you need cows milk throughout your life for your bones,

 home ed is taboo,

 I want an open marriage

, you have to be married to have a baby, children should be allowed to go on Facebook at eight years old.

 I'm very alternative.

 Over 12 years her views are contradictory, judgemental to say the least, 

and if school teaches my children to hate all religious people but then also live multi-cultural society? 

I have become the one who was not judgemental and very open minded with an eclectic taste in friends to realise that it's not judgement but mere difference that can force people apart. Some people will not change enforcing there views and there own self importance on everybody else. This is the time and the place were I need to work on my own habits my own time my own mind and my own health.

It's scary to make a commitment to myself because I always feel very vunerable. When people say things I Darby tell them the truth because I value what they think in the moment over what I think in general. But actually these small wins for them have a huge impact on my self confidence. I am often, offset, unbalanced, and put in a vunerable place mentally with others. In other words I bare my soul often. I assume everyone has the best intentions for me and actually momentarily let them tell me my weaknesses. And my downfalls and in that moment when I bare my soul. They make a judgement they show what they believe and then they tell me essentially what I'm doing with my life is some how harmful to myself. When I never even think to delve into there wrong doings when I see them often as I'm unsure of how to broach them. How do you get someone to consider change? Or how do you get someone to lay there soul bare and who would even want this? If hate to tell someone what there doing wrong it's just not in me I think just existing makes them think there doing wrong or my avid posts on Instagram. 

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