I feel like i have been crawling in the dark. Walking blind through my existence. For so long i haven't had any focus. Focus is something we all need. Goals, dreams, purpose. This id something i lost since moving into this house. It is extremely hard to take a chance and put your energy into positive thinking but all i do now is think to that extremely dark place I ended up and will end up if i don't care for my mental health.
I focused for so long on the negative things in my life, my marriage breaking down. The coalite plant near my house exuding chemical smells. The local farm spraying its chemical sprays (non organic), the man behind my house with black smoke constantly coming out his chimney making my house smell. My plastic free obsession i felt like it was everywhere (still do) The local park covered in dog fouling. Lack of friends and community in an area id only been for 2 and a half years. Its funny how their are alot of positives but we don't see them or even try to look for them. The people who don't seem to give a shit about anything who live near me they just make the environment worse and don't contribute.
To be honest you can see why i focused on the negative. Not to mention i was still in an emotionally abusive relationship with my dad and his partner. The criticism was intense and always present and they often switched and decided when i'd try to get some space from them as soon as i had invited them back into my life slowly and cautiously, then at my lowest points like if i was ill and they insistsd on helping with child care or i was in hospital they would swipe about the falling out, saying how im the forceful one. Extremely confusing considering it takes the world of courage to get distance from two people you are terrified of. Eventually though as an adult you either accept unhealthy relationships and let them suck at your mental and physical wellbeing or you try and fight these relationships.
Even so, this all being said I'm still focusing on those bad things via this blog post. However im trying to accept that this is a negative way of thinking and accepting that your negative is half of the problem solved. The rest is change, straight away we have this resistance to change. These quotes/ memes in our head that appear like 'people never change' or 'a leopard never changes its spots' both pretty negative and stubborn ways of thinking so lets say we do make mistakes shall we think then that we are forever to make mistakes, humanity is doomed?
I will get there. If not to prove to my dad that I'm not a failure. Try i will and more for my beautiful kids to do what i can with the tools i have and the luxury of living in the west as many of my friends have not had this experience a certain amount of comfort is afforded to the people of the west if it be short lived i do not know. I should live how someone would live as if from a not so privileged advantage stepping into my shoes. Almost like being given a gift and a voice and not using it for good.
I used to hate everything west, the plastic the culture but now i have to accept what it is and grasp at what i can and eventually dare i even think or type it help those that do not have this chance, be is animals, nature, other humans. When i am healed and in a more powerful position i will help others and indeed hopefully help my children and their uncertain future. I can only pray and think this will happen and maybe one day it will.